The Layers of Grief
Written By: Shadena Natty
Grief is one of the most universal human experiences, yet when it arrives in our own lives it can feel isolating and disorienting. We often associate grief with death, but grief is the emotional response to any significant loss. It can surface after the end of a relationship, a miscarriage, a job change, a shift in identity, a medical diagnosis, or even the loss of a dream we quietly carried for years. There are many forms of grief. Anticipatory grief emerges before a loss fully happens, such as when a loved one is terminally ill. Acute or normal grief is the raw, intense wave that often follows a loss, filled with tears, numbness, anger, and longing. Complicated or prolonged grief occurs when the pain remains persistent and debilitating, making it difficult to re engage with life. Disenfranchised grief shows up when a loss is not socially recognized or validated, leaving someone to mourn in silence. Cumulative grief develops when multiple losses stack up without space to recover. Each of these experiences is real and worthy of compassion. There is no hierarchy of pain and there is no universal timeline for healing.
As a therapist, I spend my days sitting with grief in all its forms. I have learned that grief does not follow a blueprint. It loops, it surprises, it softens and resurfaces. Even with training, understanding grief intellectually is not the same as feeling it personally. My own experience with loss, including the death of my mother, has reminded me that grief can coexist with daily responsibilities, laughter, and moments of joy. It does not make me less capable of supporting others. In many ways, it deepens my empathy and understanding.
Showing up as a therapist while grieving requires a particular kind of courage. It means being present, grounded, and steady, even when the pain is close to the surface. Professionalism does not mean being untouched. It means being responsible with your emotions so they do not overshadow someone else’s experience. It means tending to your own healing while holding space for others. I have learned to allow myself to feel outside the therapy room so I can remain fully present inside it.
Grief is layered and nonlinear. Some days it feels manageable, other days unexpectedly heavy. A scent, a song, or a memory can open the floodgates without warning. Yet life continues to ask us to show up to our work, our relationships, and our own growth. In therapy, I encourage clients to honor their rhythm, resist comparison, and allow both sorrow and joy to coexist. Grief is not something to get over. It is a reflection of love, connection, and meaning. One book that has deeply informed how I approach grief in my own life and work is Getting Grief Right: Finding Your Story of Love in the Sorrow of Loss by Patrick O Malley and Tim Madigan. The book challenges conventional stage based models and invites readers to see grief as an ongoing narrative of connection with those we have lost. It emphasizes that grief is part of the enduring bond with our loved ones and that each person’s journey is unique. It offers guidance on how grief can be felt fully and woven into a life of love rather than something to be fixed.
Grief is not something we outgrow. It changes shape over time, but it remains a reflection of the love we carry. As a therapist and as someone who has experienced loss, I continue to show up to others, to life, and to the ongoing work of being human, and I encourage anyone struggling with grief to seek therapy as a source of support, guidance, and a safe space to process their emotions.
