Valentine’s Day, Attachment, and Building Relationships That Feel Safe
By: Shadena Natty
Healthy relationships do not simply happen on their own. They are built over time through self-awareness, open communication, and emotional safety. Whether the relationship is with a romantic partner, a friend, a family member, or a coworker, strong connections are rooted in feeling secure. When people feel safe, they can be themselves, express their needs, and trust that the other person will respond with care and respect.
Attachment theory is a helpful lens for understanding why relationships sometimes feel supportive and steady, and other times stressful or confusing. Our attachment style influences how we experience closeness, handle conflict, and respond when someone feels emotionally close or when distance shows up.
As Valentine’s Day approaches, many people notice a stronger focus on love and relationships. For some, this time feels exciting or meaningful; for others, it can bring up loneliness, pressure, or reminders of old patterns. This holiday often intensifies expectations about what relationships are supposed to look like. Understanding attachment can explain why these feelings differ so much from person to person.
One of my favorite books to recommend as a therapist is Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. It clearly and compassionately describes three main attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant. People with a secure attachment style usually feel comfortable with both closeness and independence, communicating directly and handling conflict without fear. Anxious attachment may show up as worrying about rejection, overthinking conversations, or needing frequent reassurance. Avoidant attachment often looks like pulling back emotionally, feeling uncomfortable opening up, or needing more space when things feel intense. These patterns are not limited to romantic relationships; they can appear with friends, family members, or at work. None of these styles are bad, but they shape how relationships feel.
I often share with clients that being described as someone’s “everything” can feel overwhelming, even when meant in a loving way. From an attachment perspective, placing all emotional needs or a sense of identity onto one person can create strain. Healthy connection allows for closeness while still leaving room for individuality, outside supports, and a sense of self. Relationships tend to feel safer and more sustainable when love is shared rather than all consuming.
Healthy relationships do not require perfection. What matters most are everyday behaviors that help people feel supported and emotionally safe: being consistent, clearly expressing needs, and creating space where people feel heard and respected. Many relationship struggles are not about someone being too much or not enough; they are often about differences in needs for closeness, reassurance, and connection. When we understand our own attachment patterns and notice them in others, it becomes easier to respond with empathy instead of taking things personally.
Attachment styles are not fixed. With awareness, practice, and healthier relationship experiences, people can move toward feeling more secure over time. Choosing emotionally available relationships, improving communication, setting boundaries, and learning to calm yourself when emotions run high all support this process.
